My youngest just had his birthday party recently. In the lead up to it, his older brother and several friends from school were regularly "uninvited" from it.

If you have a 3+ year old, you might have heard them threatening to disinvite other kids from their birthday party - maybe even you!

It can be amusing or frustrating, depending on your level of patience at that moment :)

However, it’s important to keep in mind that this behaviour is completely normal for young children.

Here's Why Children Uninvite People From Their Birthday Party

1. Power and Control

Young children often feel powerless.

And it’s not just a feeling, they are powerless in so many aspects of their lives, i.e. you decide where they go, what they eat, when they sleep, etc.

As an adult, it’s easy to think that being a child is easy with no decisions to make, no responsibilities, etc. But the reality is that children are human beings who desire autonomy, even at a young age when we may think they’re not ready for it yet.

Social exclusion (even pretend) gives them a sense of control: “You can’t come to my party” becomes a way to assert autonomy. It is often less about the other child and more about a need to feel powerful or seen.

2. Social Experimentation

We talk a lot about young children being little scientists and testing boundaries in order to figure out the world and the people in their lives. These phrases are part of their experimentation.

Remember that social skills are learned through experience. Children don’t start showing much interest in their peers until approximately 3 years of age, which is when you may start hearing these phrases.

With these phrases, children are figuring out what relationships look like: What happens if I say this? Will you still play with me?

3. Developing Emotional Regulation

These phrases often come out during times of frustration or disappointment.

They’re usually impulsive, reactive and rarely premeditated. Learning to manage this sudden onset of feelings (self-regulation) can be challenging for children (even for some adults!).

It takes life experience, guidance, language skills, self-awareness and more to be able to say “I’m upset that you didn’t want to go down the slide with me” so it comes out as “you’re not invited to my party!”

They Also Don't Fully Understand the Impact...

Young children may not fully grasp what it is that they’re saying because their understanding of permanence is limited.

Saying “You’re not my friend anymore!” or "You're not invited to my birthday party!"may simply be for the next 5 minutes.

This is not to say that you should dismiss your child’s feelings if they come to you and tell you they don’t want to be friends with someone anymore or uninvited them from their party.

Here’s how to respond:

1. Talk to them about it, while staying neutral and calm.
2. Listen. Validate their feelings, “It sounds like you’re feeling upset right now.”
3. Help them to articulate their feelings, help them to name their emotions, “Are you feeling disappointed that Ben didn’t want to go down the slide with you?”
4. Encourage repair. If appropriate, model or prompt repairing the relationship: “You can tell them you were upset and that you still want them to come to your party.”

If your child is on the receiving end of phrases like this, you can respond in a similar way:

• “Your feelings seem hurt by what they said.”
• “It sounds like they were disappointed you didn’t want to go down the slide. It’s okay that you didn’t want to. They’re still learning how to talk about their feelings.”

By responding in this way, you’re validating your child’s feelings without escalating the situation and modelling empathy for the other child without excusing unkind words.