Talking to Your Kids About Race Isn’t as Difficult as You Think

Picture it:

It’s a cold February morning, and I’m trying to get my 5-year-old bundled up so that we can get out the door and off to school.

Because of reasons that (kinda) made sense at the time - I’m also trying to talk to him about why Black History Month is so important to our family.

I’ve already told him that I am Black, and that my parents are Black, which means that he’s Black too.

So now, as we’re putting on hats, scarves, and mitts, I say, "But just like some of the other Black kids in your class, you also have a white parent. Which means you’re both!"  

5-year-old:  [Silence]

Then…

"Is Daddy the white parent?"

Me, trying very hard not to laugh: "Yes."

5-year-old: [More silence.]

Then…

"How come Daddy’s the white parent?"

Me:  "I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him."

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Please note that I have graduate degrees in equity and education, and over 15 years’ professional experience doing this type of work, across multiple sectors.

And I still drew a blank when my child asked me a question about race.

We can never be fully prepared for some of the questions our kids throw at us, even if we happen to be experts in the field.

But, when it comes to so-called "difficult" topics like race, there still are things we can, and should, do to prepare ourselves.

Because kids pick up on the differences among people, and their associated power dynamics, long before they fully understand them.

1. Acknowledge that these topics (e.g. race, racism, etc.) are only "difficult" because we’ve all been taught that we’re not supposed to talk about them.

We’re not supposed to recognize or admit in any way that we live in an inequitable society by design.

(Because if no one admits it, then no one can try to change it.)

2. Once you acknowledge point #1, it’s easier to give yourselves some grace as you try to figure out what this means for you and your family.

Of course, it’s not always easy to do this, especially if you’ve experienced more privilege than discrimination in your own life.

Remember, none of us - even those who’ve experienced more discrimination than privilege - have been taught to realize just how profoundly our day-to-day experiences are shaped by society.

So, as you start to realize this, it’s inevitable that you’re going to make mistakes.

And that’s okay.

The important thing is that you commit to learning from them.

3. Learn and make mistakes with your child.

As parents, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of having all the answers. So when we’re asked a question that we don’t have the answer to, we may try to avoid it, or tell our kids not to ask in the first place.

But when it comes to the "difficult" questions, it’s actually best to do the exact opposite of avoidance, and try to figure out the answer alongside your kids.

This is how you show that you want them to come to you first when they have questions about race and racial differences. Or when they don’t know how to process something racist they’ve seen online, or heard someone else say, etc.

Ultimately, learning how to talk to our kids about race is a shared responsibility for all parents, not just Black parents.

Because one of the best ways to challenge racism is to distribute the emotional and intellectual labour of doing so more fairly.

On that note, I’ll end with some recommendations* for resources you can use:

• The Conscious Kid (Instagram)
• Parenting is Political (Instagram)
• Our Skin (book; available at The Montessori Room!)
• The Day You Begin (book)

And if you want something that’s just for grown-ups, The Fictive Kin Equity Alphabet is a great place to begin your equity (un)learning journey.

You can also check out my website, and / or follow Fictive Kin Equity Lab on Instagram.

If you have any questions about how to connect-the-dots, fill out this form. I’ll address as many as I can in a follow-up email.

Dr. Dominique Riviere

* Note, these are simply recommendations, not official endorsements.