How To Respond When Your Child Says “I HATE YOU”

It can be very upsetting to hear your child say "I hate you".

You might feel a mix of sadness, frustration ("but I do everything for you!"), and irritation (knowing they want a big reaction).

It's hard not to be reactive in that situation, further escalating everyone's emotions.

BUT if you understand the reasons why your child is saying "I hate you", you can temper your reaction, preventing everyone from becoming even more upset.  

The Most Important Thing...

The most important thing to remember is that your child doesn’t really hate you.  

They are saying it for one of these two reasons:

1. It's a Way to Communicate Big Feelings.

Children are developing their emotions as they grow and experience life.

When children say "I hate you" they are trying to communicate their feelings to you, typically in times of anger, disappointment, frustration, etc. They simply don’t have the emotional vocabulary to articulate this big surge of feelings.

2. They are Experimenting.

Dr. Montessori observed that young children are like little scientists, conducting experiments as they learn about the world. 

When a child says "I hate you", they could be testing boundaries and your reaction.  

It’s common for adults to think that children are doing things intentionally to get a reaction from them and the truth is, they sometimes are - BUT it’s not with malicious intent. 

It’s an experiment. They’re simply testing words, ideas, emotions, etc. on you to see how you’ll react - "Will you react the same way you did last time?" The key is to be consistent in how you respond. More on this below.

Four Steps -  When Your Child Says "I Hate You":

1. Take a minute. 

Hearing "I hate you" can, of course, cause you to react angrily or with sadness.

The challenge here is to respond in a way that allows your child to feel safe expressing their emotions while also helping them navigate those feelings.

2. Validate their feelings.

Give them the words and teach them self-regulation skills. 

Respond by saying things like:

• "It sounds like you're really upset right now. It's okay to feel angry. You can tell me, 'I'm mad!' or 'I don’t like that!' instead of 'I hate you.'"
• "I hear that you're really frustrated. I'm here to help. We don’t use hurtful words, but you can say, 'I'm so mad!' or 'I don't like that!' when you feel this way."
• "I see you're feeling really big feelings. Do you want to take deep breaths with me, or stomp your feet to show how mad you are? You can always say, 'I'm really upset!' when you're feeling this way."

3. Briefly explain the reason behind your decision.

After addressing their feelings, offer a simple, age-appropriate explanation for why you made the decision/what led to them saying "I hate you."

For example, "I know you're upset because we have to leave the park. The park is so much fun, but Dad has dinner ready for us at home. We can come back tomorrow."

This helps them make sense of the situation and shows them that their feelings matter, even when things don’t go their way.

4. Be consistent in your response. 

If your child gets the same result every time they experiment with "I hate you", they will learn that their feelings are acknowledged but there are other ways to express them. 

Consistency helps them feel secure, knowing that no matter how big their emotions get, you will respond with empathy and guidance.

It's also important to remember that moments of big feelings aren’t ideal 'teachable moments' (Dr. Shanker, Self-Reg) because the child is too overwhelmed to listen and learn. Instead, using books or role play afterward helps them learn better ways to express emotions when they’re calm. Practicing in a low-stress environment makes it more likely they’ll use these strategies when big feelings arise.

For Toddler Parents

It’s uncommon for toddlers to say "I hate you" unless they’re copying someone. A child may first start exploring "I hate you" in the preschool years and beyond (3 years and up).

In the toddler years, you can be proactive by using books and role play to teach emotional expression. Stories about anger or frustration help children recognize and talk about their own feelings. Role-playing different scenarios gives preschoolers a safe way to practice expressing big emotions.