Why "Use Your Words" doesn't work... and what does!

• Feel bad they're hurt
• Find the crying/yelling overstimulating
• Want to help but don't know how

You might ask "what’s wrong?" or suggest "use your words" but they can't.

When young children are upset, it can be difficult for them to find the words to express themselves.

It takes life experience, language skills, emotional development, and self-awareness before a child can articulate their feelings.

Asking them to tell you what's wrong, it likely only going to lead to more frustration - for everyone.

What To Do Instead of Saying "Use Your Words"

When your child is upset, get down on their level so that you’re eye to eye, share your observations, validate their expression of emotions, and then offer ways to help them feel better.

For example: 

• "I can see you’re very upset about something and I want to help you. Can I give you a hug?"
  
  You’ll notice with this example that we ask the child if they want a hug, rather than just going in for one. Asking them first is a sign of respect that helps them to develop body autonomy.
  

• "Here’s a tissue."
  
• "Let’s go take a break outside."
  
• "Let’s go get some water."

Every child will need different strategies to help them get back to a state of calm. They may reject all the above suggestions. 

Some children simply needed space and time.

You can say something like "I’m going to give you some space and I’m just over here if you need me." 

Some children just need to cry it out.

If this is the case, you can do something else nearby, offering a gentle smile every once in a while to remind them you're there.  

High Stress Situations ≠ NOT Teachable Moments

Dr. Stuart Shanker, author of the book Self-Reg, explains that moments of stress are not teachable moments. 

When a child is upset, it’s best to help them get back to state of calm before talking to them about their feelings. 

Once a child is calm, then you can talk to them about what happened and offer ideas on what they can do next time they’re feeling upset.  

You can also help your child to develop self-regulation skills by helping them to identify why they may be feeling the way they are, i.e. "I can tell you're hungry. Let's go get you a snack" or "You're probably feeling sad because grandma left. Let's give her a call".

Articulating these stressors, will eventually help your child to do it on their own.

We have this great blog post from last year with images you can print out, showing all the reasons why a child/person might feel dysregulated.

Find them here: Dr. Stuart Shanker's 5 Domains of Self-Regulation.

There are WAY MORE reasons than you likely think there are.