How To Deal with Competitive Children...
Listening to arguing about "who goes first" or "who gets the most" has to be one of the most frustrating parts of parenthood.
To us, it seems frivolous - you'll get a turn 30 seconds later!
But young children don't see it that way.
Depending on a child's age, there's different motivations for their need to win/be the best/be first.
In Toddlerhood
In toddlerhood, you'll typically see competition around activities that require patience.
They want to be the first to:
- have their turn
- put on their shoes
- be served snack, etc.
They're naturally self-centered, which is developmentally appropriate at that age. They cannot take the perspective of the other children and they also lack impulse control.
When you see this behaviour, start with observation:
1. If the other children don’t seem bothered by the child who has put themselves first, you can continue to observe the child to see if it’s a repetitive behaviour, offering gentle corrections if it happens regularly.
These types of scenarios typically work themselves out in the preschool years and beyond, i.e. the other children would tell them to wait their turn. They have a better sense of "right vs. wrong" as they get older so they will police themselves.
2. If the other children do seem bothered, continue to observe and allow time for the children to sort it out themselves. Stay close by to offer assistance if needed, i.e. if the child isn’t understanding their peers, I would let the child know that they need to find a different spot in line.
This may seem unbelievable at this age but even without fully developed language skills, children can express to their peers when they’re upset about something.
The Casa/Kindergarten Years
The Casa/Kindergarten years are typically when children are introduced to games with "winners" and "losers."
With the introduction of this concept, competitive behaviours often present themselves in always wanting to win, cheating to win, and big reactions to losing.
The reality is, it feels good to win.
Winning offers children instant gratification and this is very appealing for most children.
As adults, we have to recognize our role in creating the appeal to "win" - it’s our natural instinct to celebrate winners, we get so excited when a child wins.
We may say things like "You were the BEST player out there!" or "You were so much faster than everyone else, I’m so proud of you!"
While these phrases are kind and encouraging, you can see how they can get children hooked on winning. That type of attention from you feels really good.
The Montessori approach to praise works in competitive scenarios too, i.e. focus on the effort rather than the result:
- "You finished the game!"
- "You were running so fast!"
As we’ve discussed before, children are little scientists and their response to winning may be that it feels good (and they want to have this feeling again and again) but it could also be that they are testing your reaction - which is NORMAL.
Providing a consistent, neutral response will help them with this.
Socialization Can Also Help
More often than not, social situations amongst peers will help children to learn how to respond to winning and losing.
If kids continue to be overly boastful about winning or tease others for losing, their peers won’t want to play with them anymore or they will share their feelings with their boastful peer and it will correct it - i.e. natural consequences.
What About the Opposite?
Some parents are more concerned about their "shy kids" who seem bothered but never say or do anything about their peers butting in line or teasing them for losing.
Parents of these types of children might be concerned that the child will be a "push over."
Observe those children too and look for opportunities to help them to develop the confidence to speak up for themselves.
"Stop! I don’t like that" is a good 'go-to' phrase when teaching toddlers how to express their feelings to their peers.
Just know that competitive behaviour is developmentally normal and, with your support and consistent guidance, will likely improve as they get older.
